Grief Isn’t Linear: Debunking the Five Stages of Grief
The Truth About the Five Stages of Grief
Is grief really a step-by-step process? This blog challenges the popular “five stages” model and offers a more honest look at how grief actually unfolds.
Misunderstood grief: Unpack why the Stages of Grief model often falls short and how it can create pressure or confusion for those grieving.
Real support: Learn alternative ways to understand grief, how therapy can help, and why your personal experience deserves to be honoured as it is.
More often than not, early on in my work with a new client, we have a conversation about the “Five Stages of Grief”. It usually starts off like this:
Client: “When [insert beloved person] first died, I was so angry. It felt so unfair, and everything and everyone around me pissed me off. Lately, I’ve been feeling that way again, and I dunno… it feels like I’m going backwards.”
OR
Client: “I was feeling so good last week. I had a great week: I had energy, I was able to see some friends socially, go to a Pilates class, and cook for myself. Things felt lighter and more manageable. And then this week, even getting out of bed feels hard. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
And here’s where I take a deep breath because I know that underneath the details of that particular client’s experience, we are having a conversation about the “Five Stages of Grief,” or, “I-thought-grief-was-linear-but-it-doesn’t-feel-that-way-so-I-must-be-doing-something-wrong.”
What most clients are telling me during this conversation is that somewhere along the way, they have internalised the myth that grief is a process that happens in predictable and orderly stages. And when their lived experience does not match up to their pre-existing notions of grief, they believe that they are at fault. So I take a deep breath because, well, there’s a lot to unpack there.
So let’s do the unpacking. In this blog, I’ll look at where that model came from and how it impacts folks’ grieving processes. I’ll also offer a more realistic understanding of how grief tends to move—more like waves or a spiral than steps and how to get the support you truly need.
The Origins of the Five Stages of Grief
The “Five Stages of Grief” came from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work, “On Death and Dying” in 1969. While many assume this model applies to grief and bereavement, it was originally based on how people responded to their own terminal diagnoses.
The original purpose of the book was for Kübler-Ross to share her observations of folks who were dying. The stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, were observed in people processing their own mortality. But in a world that loves shortcuts, maps and “how-to” guides, the model gradually got applied to all forms of grief. The media, books, and public discourse latched onto the idea of grief as a step-by-step process, and it spread like wildfire. In 1974, Kübler-Ross published “Questions and Answers On Death & Dying,” where she clarified that grief does not unfold in neat stages, but the damage had been done.
Why the Five Stages Don’t Reflect Real Grief
The idea of grief moving through five steps might sound comforting at first. It gives the impression that once you pass through each stage, you’ll eventually reach “the end” of your grief. But that version of grief doesn’t match how most people actually feel.
Here’s why the “stages” model often falls short:
It assumes a fixed order. In actuality, people may, for example, feel acceptance early on, then hit waves of anger months later, and then they may circle back to acceptance.
It suggests an endpoint. Instead, grief often softens with time, but it doesn’t disappear on a schedule.
It creates pressure to "progress." When someone feels stuck or out of sequence, they might think they are doing something wrong.
It ignores individual experiences. The reality is there is no one way to grieve. The type of loss, nature of the relationship, the circumstances of the loss, and personal coping styles all influence how grief unfolds for each person.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It comes and goes, sometimes catching people off guard years after the loss. There’s no standard way to respond, and no need to compare one experience with another. This doesn’t mean grief can’t be understood or supported. It just means real-life loss asks for something more personal than a strict formula.
The Harm of the Five Stages Mindset
The idea of moving through fixed stages can quietly create harm, even when it’s meant to help. For some, it becomes a checklist to follow rigidly. For others, a source of quiet shame when their experience doesn’t match what they’ve been told to expect.
Here’s how the “stages” mindset can affect someone grieving:
Creates unrealistic timelines. People may feel pressure to “get through” grief faster than is reasonable or realistic.
Leads to self-doubt. When emotions don’t show up in the right order—or seem to repeat—it can feel like they’re doing it wrong.
Invalidates complex emotions. Grief doesn’t always look like sadness. It can include numbness, relief, guilt, or even moments of joy. It can also include multiple feelings at once!
Discourages openness. Believing grief should follow a script might make it harder to talk about what’s actually happening.
Misconceptions about grief can keep people from getting the support they need. If someone believes they’ve failed because they still cry months later, or because they never felt anger, it adds unnecessary weight to an already heavy experience.
The truth is, there’s no “right” way to grieve. What matters is whether the person feels seen, heard, and allowed to have their full emotional life, whatever that looks like. The grief journey is rarely smooth or predictable and is shaped by love, loss, memory, and the meaning that we make through all of it.
Alternative Ways to Understand Grief
While the “Five Stages of Grief” can be a useful starting point, it can be helpful to look at other ways of understanding grief—models that leave more room for variation and emotional complexity.
Here are a few that many therapists find more accurate and compassionate:
The Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe and Schut)
This approach suggests people move between two experiences: confronting the loss and rebuilding parts of life around it. It’s not linear, and both sides are part of healing.The Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief (Klass, Silverman, and Nickman)
This model focuses on supporting people to maintain a connection with the deceased as part of adapting to loss. Death ends a life, but not a relationship.The Meaning-Making Model of Grief (Neimeyer)
This view focuses on how people make sense of the loss. That might involve reflecting on memories, shifting values, or finding new ways to live in relationship with what was lost.
These models don’t try to organize emotions into tidy steps. Instead, they give permission for grief to be as layered and unpredictable as it often is.
How people grieve depends on many things—their connection to who or what was lost, their past experiences, and their support system. There’s no single grief recovery method that works for everyone, but there are ways to make room for what’s real.
How Therapy Can Support Your Grief Journey
Grief can bring up feelings that are hard to put into words. Sometimes people feel stuck and other times they wonder if what they’re feeling is normal. Therapy offers a place where you can explore those thoughts and feelings without judgment.
A therapist trained in grief work doesn’t expect a specific timeline or set of emotions. Instead, the focus is on understanding what the loss means to you and how it’s showing up in your daily life.
Support might include:
Making sense of challenging emotional swings
Gently challenging unrealistic expectations you may have placed on yourself
Helping you reconnect with parts of life that feel distant or heavy
Offering ways to manage intense feelings without forcing anything away
Finding ways to stay connected to what or whom you’ve lost
The idea that grief follows a predictable path can leave people feeling confused or even broken when their reality looks different. But grief doesn’t unfold in tidy steps; it can feel messy and unpredictable. Understanding grief means letting go of the idea that there’s a “right” way to feel after a loss and finding out what your unique grief looks and feels like. Coping with loss looks different for each person, and therapy allows space for all of it, without judgment or pressure.
Grief and Bereavement Therapy in Toronto
If you’re looking for support that honours your experience and moves at your pace, grief therapy may help. At Toronto Grief Counselling, we offer care for many forms of loss, including sudden, expected, complex, and long-carried grief.
In-person sessions are available in Toronto, and virtual support is offered across Ontario.
Visit our Grief and Bereavement Therapy page or contact us to learn more.